What a week so far!

This week has shot by and I cannot believe it is Wednesday. A veritable whirlwind of activity has befallen me.

Saturday
I was awoken by the singing of the birds, the sweet melody of rain and the oddest feeling. I had done something which I had not intended to do; I had spent the night on a bench. I don't recall the circumstances exactly; I do know that Ben Kinglsey called me on Friday and asked me to go for a drink to discuss a new film he hd been offered. I can't go into the details of the project or even describe any detail whatsoever of the narrative, but I will say this; Ben, if anyone can play a cyborg assassin from the future, it's you. You're so much better than that bloody Austrian.

So our discussions of motivation, technique and method went on long into the night, and the more we consumed the louder we got. Should this be an emotional robot, an android with a past? Or should we just settle for something Morphy Richards would try and pass off as a kettle with arms.

It is at this point my memory of the night falters slightly...

I remember at some point Stephen Fry and Sting having a heated argument over who ordered tortillas, and Bjork vandalising a phonebox. I can remember some blue lights. Then, the bench. No sign of Kingsley.

Later I discovered a tattoo of Microsofts' Internet Explorer on my left buttock, which I distinctly recall as not being there at all. I rang Kingsley, who said he had ignored all my advice, and, if I knew what was good for me, I'd stop calling him. He asked me for my advice. Well, if I see that film and he's wearing an Easter Bonnet, I think I can sue.

SUNDAY
Was spent in quiet contemplation. I have many important decisions to make; should I go to the Oban Playhouse to play Dougal, the wronged cousin of Angus in the Jeavens' play 'Quick, Mr Kopple'. The part isn't particularly big, and much of my time 'on' is spent in a wardrobe. I also have 'Danger Bubbles II' on offer, in which I play a scientist who has the ultimate weapon; washing powder which makes clothes get itchy in combat. There is a certain amount of nudity, which personally I have no problems with, having appeared in a full frontal in 'Gerards' Early Bath'. A performance which, many have said, moved them so much they were actually physically sick.

Monday
The woman from Enders rang, and said I could play Dot Cottons' new love interest. Apparently the part has been written with me in mind; only I - the woman said - could bring meaning to the filth and squalor of a middle aged park prowler.


I'm keen, the money is good, almost £50, but I am also wary after my appearance as Dr Yak on Casualty. As viewers of that show will remember, Yak became embroiled in a CIA conspiracy involving cocaine and arms sales in central America while lancing a boil, and was found dead with his mouth stuffed full of beetroot. Yak was a good character, and became a firm favourite with many viewers, although he did have a dark side. Yes, Guardian, he was meant to be bad. My performance sucked you right in, which I think says something considering I was only in the series for two weeks.