The Audtion

There are three main things to remember about auditions. Firstly, be sure you are in the right place.

Many moons ago I was invited to audition for the role of a certain mariner who seemed to labour under the misapprehension that fish were naturally in finger form. Dressed as the Cap'n, I made my entrance, talked of voyages to the seven seas, of my search for fine cod, all the while yo-ho-hoing it in all the right places to discover I had misread the address and was in a meeting to determine my suitability for Polish citizenship.

always have standby text. Once again it is best to have certain classic pieces of text memorised in case you should find your material unsuitable. I once attended an audition, and my piece was a routine from the Black and White Minstrel show. Of course, how was I to know my audience would themselves be black. My Faux Pas was avoided by my remembering of another text, and with deft professionalism, I switched roles to the much more suitable montage of black role models. My name is Mr Tibbs,  Orthello, Mr T, Darth Vader, that sort of thing. They were bowled over by the performance, I could tell

Thirdly and by no means last, make it quite plain you are sexually available to each and everyone on the panel. This can be done by eye contact, body language or crotchless panties.

I remember when starting off in the industry having an audition with the now notorious Bigsby Weathershaw, who bedded each and every member of any cast he was working with. It was a time of hedonistic pleasure, of carnal lust and elastoplast. Bigsby of course passed into obscurity as the years wore on, but I did hear he was working on Farming Today - The Movie.

So, I have my script, my costume, my obvious talent and my remarkable availability. How can they refuse?