The other thing sci-fi wise I have been invited to audition for in the last month was Planet Paddlesteamer, a new show for CCTV (which is Childrens’ Television, not the wretched things which watch you and send you a fine when in fact they have locked all the public conveniences so in fact I should be fining them. Besides, Waterstones? Who goes in there anymore? Pass it off as rainwater, I say.)
Planet Paddlesteamer is about a planet which is shaped like one of those Paddlesteamers you see in anything with Jane Seymour in. Apparently, she has it written into her contract that at least two speeches must contain a paddle steamer moving slowly past in the background, which did I understand provide a series of logistical problems for her stage work, poor love. There are many paddlesteamer anecdotes featuring Ms Seymour, some of which have been hushed up by the media, but I can tell you she did have the good grace to send the relatives and survivors a smashing fruit basket.
So I am up for The Captain, a haughty, seasoned salty old dog of the waterways, whose wisdom and experience is called upon in times of trouble. His metaphors are there for all to see, and for the young to digest and ruminate upon. A sample speech:
“Ah, the waves splash high against the bow, casting the foam like memories of a life misspent. See, Mr Jeavons, see how the wash dissipates so quickly, leaving but the merest hint t’were e’er here. See how the cruellest mistress, her waves and ebbs, her flows and tender tides, caressing the shore like a tender lover. Her endless bounty is never moribund, and what wonders her hitherto uncharted depths do hide from our incongruous eyes”.
Of course being set in space there are no waves, ebbs or any other damp nonsense. So it’s all allegory. It’s a beautifully written but I fear will be lost on the under 3s. But it is work.
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