Catch up 1

This last few weeks has been a maelstrom of activity, a veritable nightmare of fevered endeavour, a seeming thick dust cloud of action in the midst of which, I have shouted ‘Eat my dust. Swallow my filth.’

Mid August I had a call from the producer of Dr Who. Apparently they were working on a new monster, from the planet Thespian, a creature which thrives and feeds on the emotions and bad feeling it can create in a small to medium sized production company, and would I like to take part in some screen tests as Queenie Ooer, the asexual King of Thespis. A Thesplord. My hand trembled as I spoke in revered and respectful tones to the albeit it just out of short trousers producer. “Meet me in the old warehouse in Kings Cross” he said.

The covert nature of this job meant I was unable to inform anyone of where I was going and what I was up to. Dr Who is now a closely secured working environment, where only those who are supposed to be there, are there. And Lesley Joseph.

I turned up at the warehouse at the presumed time and presented my interpretation of Ooer, flaming, incensed, sad and angry, belligerent, merciful, playful and sexually alluring. Well, as sexually alluring as one can be with bubble wrap up ones nose.

After some photography and a light buffet, I was informed I was in the running and being considered. Now, let me tell you, a Dr Who baddie can lead you to great things. Look at Trevor Eve. Started off as a Puddle of Slime in Avengement of the Snork, now his CV reads like a directory of everything in the acting profession, but mostly acting. The Puddle isn’t even mentioned. Dame Maggie Smith was the Vhaal of Clwuddiayn, an alien being so terrifying, parents refused to watch and turned over to the Comedians instead. And of course Bonnie Langford.

Satisfied my place in the pantheon of Who adversaries was secure, I retired to the Pug and Poodle, a famous Kings Cross actors’ watering hole. As I walked in, my confidence plummeted. The entire bar was full of other noteries with the same ambition. Ben Kingsley, Timothy West, Ian Lavender, Brian Blessed, Anthony Hopkins, Pierce Brosnan and Lembit Opik, all with bubble wrap filled nostrils. I am afraid my anger got the better of me, and there was a small melee. The papers of course picked up on it, and it got blown out of all proportion and you may have read of the Kings Cross Riot From Hell. Although it was actually just a spilled daiquiri.