Big League

I have just had a call from Sandy, my agent. The Gent series don't want me back.

for those who don't know, the Gent is a series very much in the style of The Saint, except it's a Gent, not a Saint. Played by Peter Bowles, it is a heavy action series, as he, the only survivor of a crack squad of US Marines sent into Saigon, battles injustices and his own psychosis, while settling scores in the dark shadows of Dulwich.

I played Montmerency Quintet, his butler and confidante, the only man alive who knows The Gents' weakness, past and underwear habits. The reason I am being 'disposed of' are listed as follows

• I am told I was a problem on set.

Rubbish. I always conducted myself with professionalism and dedication. Yes, I was late on occassion but that was entirely due to traffic. And at no point did I intend to bruise Mr Bowles, and even if I did, I'm sure they could cover it up with makeup.

• I was always complaining about my lines

I have to say here my lines were poorly written. How is one supposed to convey mistry, brooding and untold menace when uttering 'Another rice pudding, Sir?'. The story itself was ludicrous. An Heiress comes to The Gent claiming her Fathers' Rice Pudding empire has been infiltrated by a Mexican Drug Cartel who are putting crack cocaine in his fayre. Obviously this would not concern her, as the addiction to Rice Pudding which would ensue would bring hefty dividends. But apparently having a story which makes sense is a nonsequitor in television these days.

•  I ran over the director

Balderdash. There was a wasp, I lost control of the car, mounted the pavement and that's that. I was NOT laughing. I was scared and making a disbelieving laugh. Some people laugh when they are frightened of something terrible. Look at Terry and Junes' audience.

• I dropped my trousers and said to the make up girl 'Ever tried touching up one of these?'

I had a bruise on my thigh as she well knows, had she simply looked slightly left.


I don't care. I can do without them. I have a role as a detective/ringmaster in Circus of Crime, a gritty, gory drama for ITV with Su Pollard as the love interest.