Unemployment, Acting and Tips

I would be lying to you if I said the past few months have not been hard. They have been extremely hard for an actor such as myself. Once, the letterbox would flutter with offers every few weeks, but over the last year and a half there has been nothing. I have been living off the meagre savings I have managed to accrue over the years, together with some part time work in the entertainment industry I won't bore you with. And much of that money went on sudacreme to sooth the chaffing. Money for an actor is a vitally important asset, as I have pointed out both here and in banking premises. Without it one cannot afford to keep ones' self in trim for whatever role arises. Not that there have been many. Fortunately, being of a vintage, I still get paid for repeats from many years ago. Zulu has been particularly kind to me. Many are surprised I was in such a epic, but look carefully, use the pause button, zoom in and refocus and there I am behind the two fellows with the spears. This was of course before I appeared in Survivors, where I was honoured to be nominated in the 'Best Portrayal of a Dead Body' category. But nice those these cheques are, they are not evidence of fresh work. No, the only thing I have garnered during this interminable intermission in my career is to become the voice of Balone, a charity which provides party balloons to unpopular people who have no friends on their birthdays. It is a worthy cause, and I have met many good people through my work there, including Piers Morgan. It has really opened my eyes to the absolute devastating effect that no party balloons, cards, cake or calls can have on a celebrant, turning them from a once bright, accepting individual into a bitter, resentful and slightly ungrateful person with absolutely no redeeming features whatsoever. If I am honest, some of them seem not to even want you there, and the uncomfortable silences as you eat the cake in their front room is less than hospitable. And that's when they open the front door. But the odd time that someone is over the moon make up for the majority of grumpy, moody buggers and really it is a cause which I think deserves a higher profile in the public's minds. Although I cannot be as bigger part as I would like as frankly the money is rubbish. But the publicity campaign has been very healthy. Charity work is, of course, a wonderful way of boosting ones' career profile whilst simultaneously providing a showcase for your talents. I remember a very famous actor promoted a shopping centre as Peter the Purchasing Panda. His costume and performance as the seven foot four hundred pound Panda earned him much attention, and a permanent, well paid role which many performers would dearly love, although I understand some of those enclosures can get a little claustrophobic, I have also been involved in 'Shopping for the Vulnerable'. This is an excellent scheme, and if, like me, you live in an area populated by close-to-retirement theatrical agents it can be a boon for networking. For instance, I do shopping for Helen Chapman, whose agency represents a huge range of actors, performers and singers. Helen herself – I know she won't mind me saying this* – is an infirm old crone and finds supermarket shopping scary. The noise, the crowds and she became convinced there was some man following her about. When I offered to do her shopping for her, she was reluctant at first, but after I pointed out her issues, she agreed and I did her full shop. Although she did neglect to give me her home address, and it took some time to trace her. She expressed surprise when I first knocked, and after a brief conversation, firstly through her letterbox and then with an attending officer, we came to quite the arrangement. I also do some shopping for Henry Valliard. Henry, sadly, is afflicted with a fear of going out. Apparently he is accosted all the time by out of work actors eager for representation, and such has it had an impact he now lives in one room of his Kensington home with the curtains closed. You may ask how I came to do his shopping? This is where the Charity work came in. On delivering a couple of balloons and cake to him, we got onto the subject of the recruiting of suitable acting talent in the West End. I happened to mention my considerable CV, a copy of which, together with head shots and a full body picture and a link to my IMDB listing, I coincidentally had in my pocket in a presentation envelope. I handed it to him to prove a point, that there were actors capable of fulfilling many roles still available throughout the area; A elderly major haunted by battles past, a disgruntled civil servant on the cusp of retirement, a portly fellow accused of murder on an afternoon detective show. All could be filled with ease. But he was more concerned about where I would buy his organic cabbage and what the hell these balloons were all about. Anyway, we got on famously and he definitely said he would keep me in mind for future work, handing me back my envelope assuring me his photographic memory had stored my details for future contact**. The point here is that during recent events, I have been busy, laying the groundwork for a comeback. But the problem remains at the moment of money. So I will give you some tips. 1. Use charity shops Charity shops are a fantastic resource for clothes, ornaments or other peoples' awards.*** I have picked up many bargains. Where else could I, for one solitary pound, obtain a lemon squeezer in the shape of Eamonn Andrews? Or a scale model of a herring trawler? Or a tea pot which looks like Blenheim Palace if it had a spout? I'll wager there are few places such treasure can be located, bought and enjoyed. Of course, one must be absolutely sure such things are in good condition. I once bought – for sake of sentimentality – a Space 1999 'Eagle' transporter space ship. I bought it because I was in Space 1999 and it brought back memories of Marin Landau and Barbara Bain both claiming it wasn't them who made the complaints. But on inspection there was a tiny dent in the door panel. I queried this with the woman behind the till, and asked how she justified such prices for damaged items. I am determined to make a point about quality, and I am not shelling out sums such as £1 for something which, frankly looked like it had been stomped on by Bigfoot in hiker boots. She claimed it was nothing to do with her, and if I didn't like it I didn't have to buy it. But that is hardly the point. I once appeared in a play I didn't like, but I still appeared in it. As it happened, the audiences didn't like it much either, but the point is I was there and doing my job to the best of my ability and if the critic for the Southern Argus could do a better job he is welcome to try. 2. Use the 'cheaper' Stores & Brands There's a lot of snobbishness associated with food and clothes, but if you haven't had a shred of luck and Lloyd Webber has put you on his blocklist, then snobbishness although being free, is something you simply cannot afford. There is nothing wrong with using the lower end of the supermarket spectrum. I myself have visited smaller stores. Of course, I do it away from where I live, and a disguise is an absolute necessity. One cannot risk being recognised in these places. Next thing you know you are on page 17 of The Sun in the corner by the advertisement for mattresses. Horror of horrors. I have a special outfit for these troubled times, and I would advise you to get the same or similar. It's an outfit of an Edwardian Colonel I 'borrowed' from a Marple I did back in 1987. Yes, it is a little frayed now, there is significant wear and tear on the elbows and the trousers need attention due to the perished elastic, but it all adds to the illusion. The moustache I use is from a production of Aladdin with the lovely Peter Bowles, the wig was seen in The Bill and the beard is from a novelty Dave Lee Travis kit I discovered at a boot sale. The Sunglasses are obviously just cheap items (also from a boot sale) and the plastic ears I bought from Woolworths in the closing down sale. The nose is my own. I would at this juncture provide you with a photograph, but this being a diatribe about disguises, it rather defeats the purpose. I would only have to enquire about doing another Marple and they are so funny about the same actor being in two different shows. If I am honest with you, they were pretty offish about me being in one of them, so best not push my luck. So on entering the store, always enter in the same way you would enter any premises or business. Firmness of step, intention and purpose. Don't make the mistake so many younger actors do of lurking around outside waiting for the optimum moment; the number of them who have been arrested for loitering or suspicious behaviour is growing; just ask Stu Francis, who regularly has to explain himself to Her Majesties' finest. Also be aware that many of these premises are in the lower end of town, and one can, if one hesitates long enough in the wrong spot, be propositioned by unsavoury characters. While that could be a short term remedy, I cannot discourage this enough. It is very rare anything good comes of that, despite the success of Mrs Browns' Boys. Just go through the door as if it is the most natural thing in the world, the same way you would enter a Boots, a Chiropodists or an AirLock. Once in the store, peruse the shelves for the items you wish. This can be literally anything you want but with little or no resemblance to anything you want, save for the name on the tin.**** Then, take the tin/box/bag/bottle off the shelf and place it carefully into the plastic basket, being conscious not to harm any of the small creatures presumably swarming and multiplying either on the basket or the product. Once your basket is full, approach the colleague at the till. It is VITAL at this point to keep conversation as brief as possible. Muttering is usually the best strategy, I find. There is nothing worse than being recognised when at the till in these places, and the chant of 'Weren't you the Colonel I saw on Miss Marple on Gold last night?' going up, and one is instantly surrounded by autograph hunters, celebrity hangers on and adoring public. And one never knows where that CCTV will end up. One friend, who I will not name but use a different name, Jason David, had his 40 year career wrecked by being recognised for a role he played for many years, and the CCTV was played no less than 55 times at the BAFTA Wales party. The members' taunting was merciless, and now the poor man rarely leaves his fifteen bedroom 300 acre personal prison. Once the money has been tendered and the items bagged, leave the premises immediately. Do not hesitate and if there is an old lady making her way through the door as you attempt exit, simply shove her out of the way. People do not expect celebrities to behave in such a rude way to the public, and they will be busy tending to her on the pavement and contacting ambulances to notice which direction you headed off in. 3. Use Pawn Shops Pawn shops are a requisite of acting life. One can pick up such gems at relatively little price. You can also jettison things and obtain some well needed financial boostings. A small tip though, they will not accept a pile of your signed photographs. * as it happens she did. ** Would have been nice if he had opened the envelope. *** Normally this would mean a pawn shop, it depends. Some actors can't be bothered going the entire length of the high street for a couple of extra quid, but there again, some can. Can't they, Martin? **** Always watch for spelling. Pastor, Rise, Spagetty or nudels are all, generally, bad.