Poster Campaign

I recently have been asked to appear on a poster campaign. I know, me. On a poster. Not for the first time, though, but this time I will be presented at bus stops and train stations and not on the back of a door in a dressing room covered in dart holes and a badly drawn moustache.

I was approached because they needed gravitas. Someone the public would trust, would extoll a certain wisdom, a wisdom gained by age and experience, an implied, unspoken wisdom one can only accumulate by the passing of time. Also Joe Pasquale was busy.

It's not the first time I have been hired for a promotion. One harks back yonder to Spurgiss' Fruity Chews (before the health scare), Germann Toffee and the seminal work with the Bolton Carpet Wonderworld.

Let me start by saying the Bolton Carpet Wonderworld was tricky. It's difficult to be sage when one is constrained by forty two seconds, and it's not helped in your characterisation when one has to fit in the benefits of a new shagpile or tiled carpet, the tremendous savings and opening hours of local retailers. There must be an underlying confidence for the public to latch onto that this man (me) wants only what is best, that his advice is sincere and heartfelt and not that it's some old fart with a rug fetish.

When I did the BCW promotion, I knew nothing about flooring. I knew about floors, obviously, but further examination held revelations. In fact, and this is what amazed me, is there is not one part of my or anyone elses' life which has not involved floors. From leafy glade to the antarctic to a plane or the stage at the Royal Theatre Frampton, one is almost beholden for floors as somewhere to put your feet. The sheer influence of floors on our lives is unparalleled, and probably as vital as oxygen, sunlight or souvenir theatre programs. Yet floors, decks, boards are largely unappreciated and this, to me, is as close to criminal as it gets.

During the run up to filming the promotion, I looked at all sorts of floors, and was determined to make more people aware of our low level friend. At a party, I remember speaking at length to Ian McKellen, and while I was educating him all about mezzanines, he said he had to hurry off to an Iron Maiden concert but said to be sure call his agent to continue the conversation. I am not surprised he is so busy though, but one will continue to try and find a window in his schedule to continue this discussion. I make a point of calling his agent on a regular basis, no matter how often they change the number.

The Bolton people were delighted with my enthusiasm. As I regaled them with my new-found awareness they listened almost transfixed, before thoughtfully backing my venture into the research 'We hate to keep you from further fascinating discoveries' they said 'Please, go and find out more. Now'. The 'now' was particularly telling, and I felt as a lecturer might feel when the ignition of thirst for knowledge has been turned in the mind of a student, and the engine roars into action. Go I did.

Fortunately, my role in Space:1999 had not be reprised, and I could concentrate on this vital work. Floor Awareness. Books were read, articles were written, t-shirts were printed, rejection letters were received (apart from a brief extract in 'Psychiatry Today'). Bolton Carpet Wonderworld were relying on me, and I would not leave them wanting. When I returned to their offices, four months later with red eyes and a bedraggled look after intensive research, many of the senior managers I had been dealing with had been too frightened of the ignorance they had had, presumably because this would be a professional weakness competitors would pounce upon, and when I found them hiding behind a dumpster in a neighbouring car park, the startled look in their eyes spoke volumes. Three of them tried to further disguise their achilles heels by attempting to scale a wall or run off over the dual carriageway (tragically).

I gave a brief talk, with slides, about our under carpet allies, before concluding and opening a question and answer session. I had obviously explained all the science and techniques to a depth that satisfied my 'students', as they sat there dazed and glassy eyed at the sheer volume and complexity of my oratory. Now, when I do their commercial, I could speak with authority and expertise.

The ad ran inbetween two editions of The Galloping Gourmet, and I like to think people tuned in specifically for my sparkling endorsement of The Bolton Carpet Wonderworld. I know I did.

This new poster campaign is of course similarly researched, and I feel confident it will see an upsurge in interest and purchase of Galmonds' Suppositories.