With Christmas on the horizon and my unexpected release from
Cockmouth Theatre Company’s pantomime, I find myself writing Christmas cards
too all and sundry. It really is a marvellous way of both keeping in touch and
making sure you are in peoples’ mind when casting their next show. Obviously,
the better cards are sent to those who will, at some point, hopefully, reward
you with a deep and well written part, maybe a domestic thriller, where someone
other than your character is murdered, although initially it looks like they
died in a tragic accident while washing up. Or maybe the lead in a show which a
policeman from the future solves crimes from the past through time travel
because he already knows the culprit. These are but two ideas I have included
in a card to Peter Welbourne, the television producer who so kindly cast me as
onlooker 3 in an episode of Casualty.
There is an art in looking on at the action. As an actor,
one wants to be at the heart of it, the focus of all eyes. The dramaticas
Majoris. But one must resist such temptations and look on, with the necessary
emotion. Concern. Fright. Admiration. Shifty. All emotions which can be
conveyed via body language and tone. I decided to make the character a
solicitor, embroiled in a case where his client has gone missing under
mysterious circumstances, whose very life may be threatened by the criminal
gang he seeks to incarcerate. A man of character, whose life’s work has been
largely pro-bono because he believes in the sanctity of the law, yet when he needs
the law to protect him, he is found wanting. The Police seem uninterested to
help him, and his plan – to hide in that remote country shack until the trial
is over and the danger faded – weighs heavy on his mind, not least because he
cares for his staff and they would be without income should he have to vanish
for a prolonged period. This, along with an ill elderly relative and a penchant
for antiques - one of which may hold the
key to the solution of all this business - adds to the weight on his slender
yet manly shoulders. Conveying all that in the two seconds I was on screen
without words was, I have to say, a feat of acting supremacy, even though I had
to peer over someone’s shoulder I like to think the viewers caught sight of me
and thought ‘good lord, there’s a solicitor type fellow with an interesting
tale to tell. We’d much rather follow this chap than all this medical guff’ but
as usual the vultures of the BBC thought otherwise, dug in their talons and
edited me out.
I was also fortunate this year in making an appearance on
the reality show ‘Falling Stars’, a show where celebrities are voted on by the
public to be pushed out of a door of a plane. I pride myself in coming second
to receive ‘the shove’ out of fourteen people, the first one being the Go
Compare man. God rest his soul.
I would like to point out this is not a show for people who
are otherwise unemployed elsewhere. I know for a fact several of these people
are in demand. Paul Ross for example has many enquiries from Glazing Firms, while
Richard Bacon is swimming in offers from Debenhams’ Ham. I myself had a
lucrative advertising contract which, on taking this job, I was unable to
fulfil, and consequently handed back the sandwich board.
If you want to send your favourite celebrity something,
here’s a list of things some of them really like
Ant & Dec :
2 stroke lawnmower oil
Paul Ross :
Any book of Les Dawson jokes
Claire Balding :
Stout Walking Thong
Gavin Esler :
One of those things with the sucker on a spring – he can’t get enough of them
Esther Rantzen :
Notepaper scented with onions
John Humphries :
Brilcreme
Ross Kemp :
Anything with Snoopy on
Dale Winton :
Snails.
Simon Calder :
Buckets
James Corden :
Vouchers for cycling proficiency tests
Of course, you can send whatever you want, but it is always
best to stick with the list. I once sent Bill Turnbull something, as a sort of
improvised gift, and he put my windows through. I don’t know it was him,
but he was smiling a heck of a lot on breakfast the next day. Turnbull can be
very bad tempered; rumour has it Shirley Bassey interrupted him once during an
interview and off camera he later flushed her head down the toilet.
Anyway, I best get on with writing these cards. Away with
you.
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