It’s always tense when you meet someone for whom you have been the voice of their product. And it is no different meeting Mike Pervis, owner of Pervis Toilets. I had been the voice of Terry the Terrible Turd for six years! Six years have just flown by! As you know, Terry is a particularly stubborn faecal emission, who refuses to go with his family. But with Perkins Patent Power Flush, he is away on his journey, every time!
It’s not the first time I have been the voice of an entire industry. In the sixties I gained employment as Wool Man, a superhero dedicated to informing people of the power of wool. Then for twenty years I was the character Johnny Brick for Sticklebricks. How well I remember the product phrase “I’m a brick, to bricks I stick, all the fun of Sticklebricks”. Of course this impinged somewhat on other work, and I was oft referred to as ‘complete brick’.
After the scandal involving Murph’s Protein Shakes, I decided to give doing a commercials a break. One doesn’t like being associated with such things; the reporters, the metaphorical and actual stain on your character and the perpetual mental images whenever anyone mentions animal husbandry.
And so we move to Pervis toilets. I first met Mike when he and I were in a Wetherspoons. Mike had just finished dunking my head into the bowl, when he suddenly stopped ‘Wait! ‘aren't I seen you on Z-Cars?’ he queried. I nodded, still gasping for breath. Three dunks later and he said ‘I’m looking for someone to voice an advertisement, you up for it?’ I nodded, barely aware of what he was saying for the lack of oxygen. “Good lad” He said and baptised my head for five seconds before leaving me gasping on the toilet floor with a calling card. “8am, Thursday. Be there” he said as he left. Not the most conventional induction into a job but far nicer than the one for Songs of Praise.
“Alright, Tarqers?” he said, striding across the foyer like he owned the place, which he did. After a handshake, we proceeded to the meeting room. There were sat my competitors, Tony Sarchet, Dave Sparky and Martin Jarvis. Jarvis and I had crossed swords many times. “Hello Tarquin!” he said “Silence” said Pervis, and cuffed Jarvis around his suspiciously damp head.
I’ve never liked cruelty to actors. It is one of the reasons I set up a charity to try and raise awareness and campaign against it. Really Serious Producers Care About Actors was a wonderful thing offering succour to actors who had suffered indignity, insult or injury. Or simply had a poor review. One of our regulars was… I best not name him, I shall use his nickname to protect his sensitivity – one of our regulars was Jimmy Corden. Although he seemed only to need our services when we had a buffet. Many actors came to us, but the problem arose with the abbreviation and within days we were awash with kittens, rabbits and a leopard.
It was then I noticed my competitors were sat on toilets. The fourth throne was labelled ‘McPhereson’ and I duly parked myself upon it’s welcoming porcelain.
Unfortunately at this point I was asked to sign an NDA. Mike is very protective of his company and procedures, as recent court cases prove, and it would not be my place to reveal any of his highly focussed company recruitment techniques. Suffice to say it took all the years of acting, all my knowledge and training, every ounce of theatrical gusto to land this role.
I felt magnificent when I was told I had got the job. I imagined it was much how Caesar felt when his armies conquered Europe. My armies were my talent, and they had served me well. But being in the brotherhood of actors, I felt sorry for my fellow performers. It wasn’t their fault my magnificent talent and personal magnetism had crushed them like a snail under a bull dozer. I did allow myself a small dance of victory whilst they had the bad news in the other room,
As Jarvis went out his previously charming demeanour vanished for a few seconds as he vowed ‘you’ll get yours. I know a wizard’. I’m not a believer in Witchcraft, but Jarvis is known to dabble. How else did he get quite so much work on 4xtra? I dismissed my worries about his supernatural powers. Curiously since then, when visiting Sainsburys, I have not been able to find my favourite coffee. Coincidence? Maybe...
And so a legend was born. Originally I was to be dressed as Terry, and be swimming about in a huge toilet, pretending to fear what was called ‘The Time Of The Flush’. The toilet itself was the size of a small municipal swimming pool, and used in the interview process. I never found out if the flush worked, but there again I never saw Dave Sparky either.
And so Terry became an animatronic creation, in much in the same way as Wallace and Gromit.
And we have continued over the past few years with Terry in various situations, all involving toilets. Obviously a limited scenario to build on, which is why lovely Miriam Margoyles was employed to play the foil, Glenda Piss.
“We’ve decided to stop Terry” said Mike. This was it. No cushioning. No couching the subject for my feelings. This was brutal. Not even any biscuits. To an actor, the end of a job is like the end of a friend; and in this case, my friend had their lives ended and I was sat here with nothing less than their murderer. I enquired why. “Because it’s crap” he said.
I knew it was crap. That was the entire premise of the campaign. The fact it was so convincing was testament to my skills. Indeed, throughout the industry I had become knows as ‘the turd’, such was my consummate performance. One nice thing was the children who recognised me in the street, although they did get the name wrong from time to time. This was no reason to cancel. I reasoned with Mike ‘We could have a TV show’ I said ‘or a movie’ I added ‘or a novelty record! I know someone on Hallam FM’. All of this was lies, of course..
Alas, it was in vane.
“We’ve got another geezer coming in” he said, opening the door. In walked Jarvis. “Hello McPhereson” he said. “Jarvis will do the new ads” said Mike. Jarvis smiled. “good to see you, old chap” Jarvis opined as he offered me his treacherous hand. I’ve never liked being stabbed in the back, I’ve met few actors who do. Apart from my friend Tom Hugenhaugh, who simply adores being betrayed and double crossed, since it gives him something to talk about at dinner parties.
I was determined to leave with my pride and dignity intact; no one likes a scene. And I did call Mike later to pay for a new window.
And so that’s the story. I haven’t seen the new ads with Jarvis. I am sure he will pour all his talent into the project and it will be absolutely adequate.
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