20140513

Shock, horror, probe and Radio 4

 I want to say I will never patronise World of Leather ever again. When one is asked to do a voice over one does not expect to see the final cut of the commercial aired with Graham Nortons' voice booming out ones' words instead. I was fuming, and I am afraid I rather let rip in the Croydon World of Leather as opposed to the rather more professional venting of spleen via telephone to head office. I had just come from a 'Laughing Cow' cheese commercial, and such was my rage I had not taken off the horns or udders. As I bellowed in the store about Norton, Cheese, voiceovers, the Mafia and other things some men turned up and I don't remember much else until outpatients.

I have been asked to go on Desert Island Discs! Naturally the girl was nervous calling me, and referred to me several times as 'Barbara', but this is to be expected when dealing with someone who is so often referred to as 'legendary'.

But what music to take to this desolate isle? What musical comfort would remind me of glories past, of battles victorious or that review in the Beaulieu Argus?

One band I would simply have to take with me is the Beatles. Having heard all five of their songs it is difficult to make a choice; could it be the plea for assistance in 'Help'? The issues with working a late shift and going onto probably unpaid overtime of 'Hard Days' Night'? The tribute to carpentry that is Norwegian Wood or the Twist and Shout song, which is obviously a reference to an inexperienced Chiropractor? The choice eludes me currently.

Of course, one would like to show off one is not a total hippy drop out, and that one has another side apart from the one which is down with the kids on groovy street. I would have to pick a classical piece. One which has gravitas, volume, a melodic and chordal structure which reaches into ones' very soul and touches ones mind, heart and spirit in a way few things can. The theme from Jaws.

Some people think though that one should use this platform to air ones views. I remember in the sixties, protesting with all the beautiful people about rights, peace and love. Indeed, during this time I experimented with mind altering drugs, which adjusted your perception of reality and the world and opened your mind up to new and exciting possibilities. Bright colours, beautiful feelings of love and experiencing heightened awareness of alternate realities. For a while I thought I was a stretch of the M6. I turn my head left I saw the town of Warrington, right and the outskirts of Manchester. It only came to an end when Robert Vaughan told me I was to be resurfaced from Holmes Chapel to Knutsford.

What song would encapsulate my beliefs? Would be my mantra through these turbulent times? The names of the immortals of the time – most of which I have forgotten now - raced through my mind. Should I select protest or eternal issue? Would it be a gentle refrain or a no holds barred demand for change? How do I feel about tamborines?

You'll have to listen to the whole programme to get the full girth of my choices. I can safely say you will not be disappointed. Anecdotes about acting, the theatre and famous people, coupled in with – and this may sound arrogant to some – the greatest selection of music ever made by any person ever.

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