Christmas this year has been something of a damp squib. The twenty third is when I traditionally do my Xmas voyage into the town centre for present gathering, but this year I was particularly tardy in my efforts and set about my retail duties on Christmas Eve. What a swarm of locusts had this town lain waste? There was bugger all. I had to make do with what I could find. Between you are I, here are some of my presents for my actor friends.
Sir Ian McKellan – A spare rotablade for a hover mower
Dame Judi Dench – A tickle me Elmo
Sir Peter O’Toole – Hotpants
David Suchet – The 2001 Annual
Sir Michael Gambon – Value Hoummous
Robert Lindsay – A spider enclosure
Geoffrey Palmer – A talking toilet seat
Helena Bonham-Carter – swimwear
Jenny Agutter – A ticket to ride an Ostritch, should she care to visit Berlin Zoo.
Of course, not all of these are entirely suitable, and some of my recipients may suspect the gift en route, especially Robert Lindsey who had I to ring up disgusing my voice as being from British Gas asking about spiders, and Helena BC, who put the phone down when I tried a similar ploy to enquire about the size of her bosoms.
I myself require nothing this Xmas. What can you give a man who has enjoyed the work I have done this year so much? All four days of it was a sheer delight and I have to say if they choose to ring me back I shall be the first to answer the phone.
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