Bad

I write this from the Mild Attention Care wing of Dunstalls' Hospital for actors. I was in Intensive care, and when I arrived I was in the Keenly Observed In An Intrusive Manner Which Should You Wake Up You May Feel A Bit Annoyed ward.

The hospital is specifically for actors. No extras, supporting artistes or crew are allowed to benefit from the services offered. Around me are some brilliant yet ailing thesps, many of them making a desperate final encore before moving into retirement. Jon Crisp, the actor who starred as the mysterious Agent Pork in Reasonable Cause lies opposite, his legs in plaster suspended by pulleys which neatly lift his buttocks from the bed. Ironic his final illness puts him in the same position as his first audition. Hilary Quim, who I appeared with in Portsmouth in a Pizza Hut promotion, completely covered in psoriasis, poor love, and every time she moves she sounds like my leather bound Encyclopedia of Sexual knowledge. And to my right Bernard Yakob who seems to have bought some pills off the Internet, judging by the ruffles in his blankets.

The staff here are excellent, and all needs are catered for. Mr Battersea was ill Sunday last, with low blood sugar and difficulty breathing and the staff leapt into action with an impromptu version of 'The Producers'. Oh, that funny, funny performance. Most excellent. I know Mr Battersea enjoyed it and am sorry he missed the end.

So here I lay, with splints, bandages and a poor recollection of what exactly happened to situate me thus. I do remember saying to Brian Blessed 'You are a bit loud' and the next thing I woke up here.

Three weeks I will be in here apparently. It could be longer. Depends on how long Blessed is waiting outside.